Book writing competition
by Sparkler Girl
Summary: Manny starts a writing competition in Black Books. Bernard is annoyed. Fran gets a date with an aristocrat named Kyle! First fanfic! Jam, jam, jam...
1. Let the writing commence

Disclaimer: I do not own Black Books, the plot is just mine. The characters of Bernard, Manny and Fran belong to the creators of 'Black Books'.

Enjoy the story!

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Book writing competition by Amy

Opening yet another pack, Bernard Blacks' hand shakily ripped apart the top and turned it upside down onto his desk, to which it rained twenty cigarettes. Fumbling around eagerly for the one that felt right, he picked it up and, still shaking, lit it with the lighter in his hand. Giving a deep breath out of smoke he sighed and looked into the distance as if he was having the most relaxing moment of his life.

'Bernard! Bernard!'

A storm broke his silence as the monkey came tumbling through the curtain and climbed over a bridge of books to get to the front of the desk, blocking Bernard from his view.

'Guess what I got?' Manny said, jumping up and down with glee with a big cardboard box in his hands.

'What? That your monkey tail has finally arrived?' Bernard said gruffly staring at him with beetle black eyes. His cigarette was still dangling in his mouth so the words came out a bit slurred. 'How am I supposed to know, Manny? It could be anything. A new clock, kitchen ware, tampons…'

'No! It's the entry forms for our writing competition!' Manny exclaimed happily, slamming the box on the desk so ten cigarettes rolled off onto the floor. Bernard gave a look of confused anger. He would get Manny later.

'Now, we can put these over on the table over there…' Manny said, while opening the box and holding out at least fifty sheets of A4 paper with entry details on them; all the while Bernard looked at him as if he was talking a foreign language. '…and then the customers will see them properly and we will just turn this box into the entry thingy!'

Manny was over the moon and bounced over to his desired table and placed the papers neatly next to a stack of '100 questions you would dare ask Gordon Ramsey'.

He stepped back to admire his handy work and folded his arms with a grin.

'There, perfect, don't you think Bernard?'

'Yeah, it's fantastic!' He muttered back sarcastically. Then as an after thought, he puffed out some more cigarette smoke and said suddenly, 'why are we doing this for, Manny? The guy came in, asked us if we could do it. I said no, you said yes and there were definitely some pancakes involved but somehow I can't remember that part!' He stuttered, taking a swig of red wine from the glass that was already on the table.

'Yeah, I know but it will increase our popularity, especially with the teenagers and we're gonna have our picture in the paper!' Manny declared faithfully.

'What, you mean the 'Ghastly Gazelle?' Bernard smirked.

'Gazette', Bernard. 'Ghastly Gazette" Manny pronounced for him. 'And anyway, it will put some fun into our days! Some new troops coming through the doors for a change, people will be mad to enter this competition! A chance to rediscover that creative side, the lost dreams and the shining sun! And the prize! Ooh, the prize Bernard…!'

'Are we talking strawberry jam and colouring books?' Bernard said gravely. 'Ooh yes, what a joy! I'll go to my gran's; oh she'll be so proud of my prize! We can eat scones with my winning jam and we can doodle together in my lovely book of freaky, colourless clowns!' Bernard took the last swig of wine. 'Sounds like a hoot, Manny!'

Manny sighed impatiently and turned round to take a form. 'Do you know what you need, Bernard? A nice, clean sweep of your dark imagination. Maybe you can have a go at this!' Reading from the form he said, 'must be based on either: a comical event in your life, a fantasy world of your own, or an event that has been on the news'. He looked at the paper with glee and then at Bernard. 'Oh it's so exciting!'

But Bernard was too busy sticking cigarettes into his ears to care.

'Bernard!'

'WHAT?' He spat. 'I'm trying to work here!'

'No you're not!'

'Exactly! With you shoving your lame poetry in front of my face! Now get out of MY SHOP!' Bernard's face was turning redder by the minute.

'Oh come on Bernard, get out of your 11am booze up and come help me put flyers up around the street…'

'What time is it?!' Bernard shrieked. He looked at the clock on the wall. 'How can it possibly be 11 already? I've not had a single customer yet. Where are they?' He pounded his fist on his desk where yet more cigarettes toppled off.

'I'm not stopping, just a quick bender then I'm off to the shop that does those things with those people…' the door opened and in walked Fran, slightly disorientated and looking rather drunk already. She wore huge sunglasses and her hair was neatly combed on top of her hair with a red bobble tied round so she looked like a 'Thing' from the 'Cat in the Hat'.

'Oh, where are you going Fran?' Manny wanted to know curiously.

Fran managed to get herself to the desk and poured herself a glass of red wine from Bernard's half empty bottle. 'Well, you know those swanky upper town designer shops with the perfume and make up departments? Well, I'm going to try and have those ladies in uniform spray me and give me free makeovers so I will look totally hot on this date of mine!' she said proudly, taking a swig.

'Why can't you buy things like everyone else?' Bernard moaned.

'Because I'm short on cash at the moment and my 'No.7' is detering away so I'm saving it for special occasions.'

'Isn't this a special occasion?' Bernard asked.

'No, this is a meet up with a drink, lunch and maybe a walk along the canal if it gets intimate, so I can't take any chances if it ends up with a drink, light snack and a trip round the high street!'

Bernard narrowed his eyes and rubbed them with his hands, hiding his tiredness.

'Oh and can I borrow a packet of fags? I'm all out in my flat…'

'Yes! Just take them!' Bernard flicked the last couple that were on his filthy desk at her face. She caught them in time and put her sunglasses on her head so she could see properly. Her sockets were bloodshot.

'Huh? Just two Bernard?'

'FINE!' He pulled out the remaining two out of his ears and gave them to her forcefully. She took them with great care and said,

'Oh thanks a lot!' And popped one of the invalids in her mouth. 'Right, that's me sorted! I'm all ready to meet this lucky feller in the pub.' She walked past and nodded at Manny who was sorting out the forms.

'Bye, Manny.'

'Bye Fran, good luck!'

She stopped and turned to him, blinking uncertainly. 'Manny.' She said. 'What is that?'

Manny turned round and grinned at the attention. 'Oh, this? Well it's the forms for the book writing competition!'

'Ha ha!' She laughed. 'Go on, I'll take two…Kyle is a bit of a book worm plus it will make me look fantastically brilliant too!'

As Manny passed her a few sheets, Bernard looked up. 'You what? His name is Kyle? Where did you meet him anyway, Miami Beach? Did you crash into him by chance when you were both surfing on the same wave or was it because you found each other in a parlour specialising in tie dye shirts?'

'No,' Fran said matter-of-factly. 'Now leave me alone,' she put on her sunglasses, 'I'm off to the make up department at Debenhams!' She grinned. 'Ta ta little cherubs!' She smiled happily.

Bernard looked at her as if she had come down with some horrible form of measles. Then turned his attention back to Manny. 'What are you still doing here? Get going…shoo! Outside!'

Then Manny scrambled with a stapler and fifty posters. 'See you this afternoon!' Came the reply.

Bernard was left alone in his bookstore and smiled wickedly, 'hello my pretties!' He gestured at the hidden pack of cigarettes under his desk. 'I'm glad they don't know about this place! Ha ha!' He stuck three in his mouth and lit them gleefully, pouring another glass of red wine while doing so.


	2. A whole new, sweet throwing world

Next chapter...

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The next day, Bernard was returning from a hectic morning shopping trip of his own cigarettes, booze and new red buttons for his day shirt. The nerve! Manny was nowhere to be found, in fact he had disappeared off the face of the Earth since he last saw him pinning up that ridiculous poster marathon. Luckily he could manage most of his own domestic tasks before leaving the shop. He had trimmed his own nasal hairs, sprayed the windows with wasp killer and even adjusted the 'Dickens' bookshelf so the spine colours made a perfect mosaic of a lion's leg.

So Bernard stumbled back into the doorframe, hit someone's shoulder and leapt forward into the shop. He stood upright quickly and took off his sunglasses. About thirty people were queuing up from the front desk, round the shop and out the door excluding customers trying to browse the shelves. His stunned but rather angry expression sniped killer looks at everything that seemed totally wrong with the morning set up.

'MANNY!'

'…yes, thank you! Oh, hi Bernard!' Manny grinned cheerfully, behind the desk. He was sitting comfortably, greeting people and giving them a pen to write their signature on a blank space in a ledger's book. Bernard sauntered up while a young man in a business suit strolled up at the same time.

'Did I walk into a prison line up? Because there are some shifty looking characters marching towards you, they must have done something wrong to deserve this kind of treatment?' Bernard said in a low voice but audible enough for Manny to grasp his anger.

'Well, Bernard, people saw my flyers from last night and thought it was a good idea! See, people want to give themselves a creative side!'

'Then where the hell were you? I was worried sick for hours!' Bernard snapped.

'I sent you a text!' Manny frowned.

'Oh,' Bernard looked down at his phone. 'Bernard am staying at a friends I met earlier on Bronx Street, see you in the morning for the competition opening. Lots of love from Manny xxx'' Bernard was not fixated. 'That made no sense! I read it last night and I thought you'd be home!'

'It couldn't be any clearer!'

'Excuse me; I want to write my name please!' The business man pleaded.

'Oh, yes, sorry!' Manny gave him a pen. 'So what are you planning to write?'

'I don't know. There was this one comical moment that happened to me on a bike when…'

Before he could finish, as Manny looked interested, Bernard slapped his hand on the desk and yelled, 'Just Write! I'm going back to bed. Maybe the tooth fairy has been generous and given people who keep their teeth in a pound or two! I'm starting now!' Making no sense, he half tripped over the threshold and went upstairs.

A few hours later, the shop was virtually deserted and Manny was set occupying himself putting the 'Duck Tales' in alphabetical order. With a squeak, the front door opened and Fran walked in as happy as a person whose date went really really well. 'Oh, there you are, Manny! Thank you so much for this book writing thing, it's turned my love life into an art form!'

Manny gave a cheesy grin and shrugged his shoulders in a oh-it-was-nothing way. 'So your date likes the idea of this story competition?'

'Liked it? He's from a bloody long line of creative writers; he said so on our date! His uncle is in fact best friends with Jacob Lawrence!'

'Isn't he a famous artist?' Manny questioned.

'And hasn't he spent the last seven years er, dead?' Bernard scoffed.

Fran looked confused, 'well anyway, his mum and dad are respected writers on biographies of television actors and directors, and they've had many books out for the last three decades!'

'Manny, find so said books!' Bernard yelled at him, so Manny skulked around finding the respected biographies.

'I didn't know you went for the book type!' Bernard sniffed, settling himself back in the chair and pouring another glass of wine.

'Well I don't really, why do you think I rejected your proposal for a date?'

Bernard gave her a narrowing glare, 'I never asked you out and you know it!' He pointed a threatening finger at her.

Fran laughed, 'it was that Halloween night Bernard, when we were both drunk out of our heads flinging candy at small children across the streets – particularly those weathers originals Manny gave us from his trip to the newsagents! Do you not remember? Manny was wearing a Winnie – the – pooh outfit!'

'So why did I ask you out?'

'Because apparently I reminded you of Marilyn Monroe…actually I was probably dressed like her, I can't remember…'

'Oh yes!' Bernard clapped his hands. 'I was that cowboy what was his name? Johnny Depp! And you were the Queen of hearts!'

'Was I?' Fran tried to recall, 'you said I looked like Marilyn Monroe!'

'That's because your skirt was hitching up around the back and you spent two hours trying to keep it down and you had a hysterical laugh that night…' Manny said, coming out of the darkness of shelves. 'And it wasn't Johnny Depp, Bernard it was Johnny Cash.'

'Manny, shut up! So, what have you found?'

'Well, there's a few biographies here it's just you forgot to tell me what their names are, Fran!'

'Harry and Georgina Penniless.'

'Oh, right. Here they are!' Manny beamed and took down three books from the shelf. 'Hard not to miss that name! Right…'a biography of Helen Mirren…'

'Penniless? Seriously? Kyle Penniless?'

'What's wrong with that?' Fran snapped, annoyed at Bernard's bullying. 'His name is Kenneth actually but he doesn't like using it.'

'…A biography of Van Diesel…'

'Bernard, if you really wanted to make fun of names look at yours in the mirror!' Fran said unconvincingly. He gave her a triumphant look and gleefully drank from the bottle. 'I'd like to be the first to congratulate on the marriage of Fran Katzenjammer-Penniless…!'

'And the biography of the man-who-made-The-Madness-of-King-George…' Manny read from the title. 'Yeah, they sound like real swanky people to me Fran!'

'Oh, you two are such morons! You will have to decide for yourself when you meet him tomorrow! Good night everyone!' And with that, Fran left the building with a dark stare at both of them that made Manny's beard stand on end and Bernard's cigarettes to burn out with a crisp puff.

It was the eve of the book writing competition deadline. Bernard was at his desk at midnight, half asleep cuddling an empty bottle of wine. The room was pitch black except for the clean line of blue light reflecting from the outside world, lingering on a wall. It was no use; he couldn't sleep knowing that his shop would be filled with those idiots again. He turned on the lamp on his table and sleepily looked around.

'Well it can't be that hard can it?' He said, grabbing a piece of paper and jotting down something with a jam covered pen.

'Sally went for a walk and found some cheese. She ate the cheese and turned French. Blah blah blah, coming home and everything was fine. The end. Oh, crap. What did Manny say?' He fumed. 'A comical moment in your life…a story on the news…a fantasy world of your own.'

He picked up the pen again and began writing, 'it started off on a cool day, and my dad went out picking potatoes from the field…'

-------------------------- Next chapter up! --------------------------------


	3. and the winner cough is

'Bernard! Bernard, wake up! We're opening the store for everyone to hand in their entries!'

'What? Girls?! Oh, it's you Manny.'

'Come on, Bernard! We're late! Give me the keys!'

It was a struggle, Bernard refused but Manny yanked them hard and gleefully opened the door to which a mass people strode in to hand in their entrants. 'Yes, thank you! See you soon! The winner will be announced this time next week! Thank you! Stay if you want, for some fabulous Black Book stock! No? Okay, see you again soon! Bye!' Manny jumped up and down like a school girl. 'I'm so excited! Right, I'm taking the precaution that you don't want to read these Bernard, so I'm giving you a day's notice from yesterday that I'm taking today off.'

'Shut up!' Bernard moaned, still sound asleep from the night's feisty writing.

'Oh, looks like I missed one!' Manny smiled, picking up a scribbly messy story from the wasteland of Bernard's desk. He held the cardboard box full of entrants and placed this new one carefully into it. 'See ya later Bernard!' He grinned and hurried off upstairs to start reading them, leaving his master to the slumbers of sleep.

One week later Manny was standing on a chair in the shop, filled with many, many writers that eagerly waited to see if they had won anything. 'Well, thank you for coming everyone to the grand unveiling of our competition! The winner will be named in a moment, along with two runners up but first I want to read their first paragraph, which is ultimately astonishing! Okay, here we go! And the winner's story starts off like this,

"It started off on a cool day, my dad went out picking potatoes from the field and my mother was busy taking care of my younger brothers and sisters. As usual, the sun streamed through my faded curtains with an air to which would probably have the stunning influence of gold; yet sadly, today was an exception. Today this marked the start of the Ebony Fire which would soon destroy my family unawares."

'Yes, it's some touching stuff that had me weep for practically _minutes_ after that!' Manny smiled. The audience nodded and murmured. This person who will be somewhere in the audience today, made use of the three options. In the story, they used a news story from recent times – remember that fire in a few towns in Lincolnshire the other day? Shocking, I know! Well, they retold it with such fictional brilliance! The fantasy being that it is set in somewhere called LakO'fot Ireland! Yeah, like there is such a magical place!' Everyone laughed to this.

'And finally, there are some comical moments used…well not really but I think they tried to make it funny to lighten it up a bit. I liked the moment when the family cow Georgina trampled that horde of chickens! Ha, ha very funny! So, without further to do, will Sally Frenchman please come forward!'

Manny waved his arm round, hoping to bring the winner forward.

Bernard at that point, reappeared from the kitchen wearily and looked around at all the yobs in his shop. 'Oh, God! Manny, please tell me it's nearly over! I'm going back to have a cup of tea.'

'Bernard! Come over here!'

'What?'

Manny waved him over and all the people looked at him. He smiled hesitantly, 'what is it Manny?'

'We're looking for Sally Frenchman in the room.'

'What a stupid name?'

'You can shut up about that, we've had enough of your opinions thank you very much!' Fran said from the crowd, whom she was with her boyfriend Kyle. He was dressed in a casual suit and looked respectful in the room.

'Okay, then. Maybe she couldn't make it!' Manny reassured everyone. 'The runner ups are…Kenneth penniless! For 'the biography of Fran''

'Yes!' Kyle punched the air and Fran looked at him admiringly and Manny handed him the prize. 'A gift certificate for Joanne's store of art and paintings!...awesome!' Fran cheered, 'yeah! Now, let's see if I won something too!' She looked eagerly up at Manny.

'Third prize goes to Donald Swimmer for 'Long Afternoons''.

'Puff,' Bernard snarled as Donald clamoured to get his prize. 'Ooh, a Bodycare voucher! Lovely!' He seemed happy enough.

'I guess that's it everyone! I hope you enjoyed yourselves and have a good day! See you again soon!'

Everyone seemed happy with themselves and thanked Manny for the opportunity. 'Well I don't know about you Bernard but I think we made ourselves very popular!'

'Yes, whatever! Now we can finally get back to normal!' Bernard sat down and wrote something in his diary.

'Hang on a minute!' Manny said, looking over at his writing. 'But…no! I thought…I recognised that writing! Bernard, are you Sally Frenchman?'

'So? It doesn't matter,' Bernard murmured, carefully adjusting himself away from Manny.

'It does matter! Bernard, you wrote something really beautiful here, how could you of all people write something this lovely?'

'Because it happened. That fire was something that happened to me when I was a boy growing up in Ireland.'

'The Ebony fire?'

'Yes, that was what the village called it because they respected us for being Irishmen.' 'And was…did anyone like, die?' Manny asked.

'Georgina did. And the chickens. Bit that's it,' Bernard got up to get a drink from the kitchen. 'Just those horrified moments of heat doesn't escape me plus my mother's attack of potatoes. She was slightly mad.'

'Really?'

'Yes, now I don't want anyone to know what I wrote, because I have a reputation for being a snarely, nuisance of a bookkeeper!'

'You can say that again!'

'Now please fill my glass with wine from the fridge!' He snapped, still writing.

'And would you like your prize, Bernard?'

'Leave it on the desk.'

Manny smiled, placed a small, hard wrapped gift on his desk and strolled into the kitchen.

Bernard tried to ignore it, but stopped writing and opened the paper. Inside was a golden brooch of an eagle, studded with black jewels. He smiled and put it on his shirt, carrying on with his writing.

'Cost me the whole of the entrant's fees that did! £55!' Manny called from the kitchen. 'I'm a very generous person!'

'Shut up Manny!' Bernard yelled, busy writing.

'Very good, Sally! Very good!' Manny grinned, pouring wine.

'It didn't work out with me and Kyle, he couldn't stop talking about bloody Will Ferrell! It's like he has a crush on him!' Fran moaned, while Bernard poured out some wine for the two of them that night in the shop. 'Hey, do you fancy going out to that new Italian place tonight?'

'Sure, why not? So, the booky type is not really you then?'

'I prefer the talky type!' Fran grinned.

'Come on, Manny! After we've had this drink we're off to the restaurant!'

'Coming, Fran!'

Manny entered wearing a Marilyn Monroe dress complete with a blond wig. His slouch gave them both a heartfelt laugh.

'Oh my gosh! You shouldn't wear white, Manny! Makes your arms look frumpy!'

'But that lipstick does bring out your eyes!' Bernard laughed.

'Thanks, Bernard. I'm taking it off…and I'm quitting.'

'You can't take it off! I'm making you, punishment for what you did to my shop! Plus if you're quitting, and then I'll make you so drunk you won't remember anything you just said! Now, come on before I become sober!'

'I made you more popular then ever!'

'No time for begging. We have some Italian waitress chicks to meet! Ha ha!' He guffawed happily, arm in arm with Fran and dragging Manny out with him.

THE END!

Hope you liked it! Please review. By the way, this was my first fanfic!!


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